I have been lazy since arriving in New York. I know what some of you may be thinking: how can that be? Well, I have not been spending my time doing the only two things worthwhile, which are bettering myself and serving God faithfully. I don’t know how to motivate myself, so I normally depend on others. The only problem is that I have no one here who will challenge me to get off the computer and spend my time more wisely. Now, there are things that I am proud of—I don’t want you to think that I am worthless. All that I am saying is that God gives us only a limited time on this earth, and I have been taking it for granted. It is wrong to only look at the things that I have neglected or wasted hours of time doing, so I will iterate what I have accomplished this month since I have not blogged in some time.
I was hired at Barnes and Noble in the café. This job is a peace of cake, since it’s exactly what I was doing back home. The benefit of this job is that it gets me out of the house and meeting people, always a good thing. I have a discount on books, coffee, music, and movies, also a good thing. The camaraderie over here is different than Seattle. First of all, I don’t know how to deal with people in a New York fashion. Meaning, I think people are always surprised that I speak to them and ask them about their day. Too often I will go to the grocery store or other coffee shop and nobody will say anything to me; they will look at me like I’m supposed to take charge. I am definitely not used to it yet, nor do I expect to acclimate to such a disposition. One more thing about the Barnes and Noble: since we live in a somewhat affluent neighborhood, there are book signings and readings at this location. Last week Guillermo del Toro and Ben Hogan were doing a midnight signing. It makes me excited when I can be there with authors and promote the advancement of literature.
I am still looking for another job.
Alex is doing well at her work. She was fortunate enough to wait on Steve Martin, Lorne Michaels (she said it was the CEO or president or whatever of SNL, so I assume that it was Michaels), and Paul Simon. If I were her, I would not have been able to keep my composure. I highly regard Steve Martin as a comedian. He has been in so many movies that I enjoy, especially those connected to my childhood: Little Shop of Horrors, Father of the Bride, L.A. Story, The Jerk, The Three Amigos, Fatherhood, and Blue Heaven just to name a few. I am proud of her for working so hard and her ability to stay calm in the vicinity of pop icons. She is a hard worker, and I am blessed to have this amazing woman in my life.
Alex and I go on dates often. Yesterday, we went to Madison Square and ate at a burger and shake joint, named Shake Shack. It was good, and we got to sit in the park and talk to each other about our day and what we could do for each other in general terms. Married life is one of the most difficult things I have ever done. It’s a rewarding challenge. I am humbled everyday and reminded that I am human, which is a blessing since it is always difficult to suspend sinful nature. Alex and I get to know each other, really know each other. There is no hiding. As a consequence, I am forced to reevaluate how I think and the way I treat people for the better. This must be why God makes men and women for each other: they remind each other of the necessity to be better and the need for the divine.
Alex and I have decided to paint the apartment in an attempt to make it more personal. I will be doing the painting in order to give me something constructive to do while Alex is away. We are looking darker colors for the kitchen. It will only be on one wall, just a splash of color against the white. It will be the wall we have our dining table up against, which we hopefully get day after tomorrow. I am also changing the color in the bathroom to a brown or yellow. I know that these are very different, but I get to choose and I like both of them for very different reasons. Everything in the bathroom is a shade of blue, predominately light blue. The yellow would add to the springtime feel, but the brown brings the blue into check. I will let you know what I decide. Alex will choose the color in the hallway. She currently has no idea what the color will be, but I will let you all know when she decides. Later on we will paint the bedroom, though we have no definite plans as of now.
My diet needs to change. I have been eating cereal and peanut butter and jelly sandwiches everyday. My digestive system is shocked. I used to be more healthy—not extremely conscious and careful about what I put in my body, but it was better than the crude I currently ingest. I believe I am going soft in the gut. I have no clear work out plan, which makes no sense since I have the time to go running, and have been doing cardio only about once or twice a week. Again, I need support, which is currently unavailable because everyone is a stranger here. Any pointers would be greatly appreciated.
I have been contemplating the nature of suffering this week and wish to share some of what goes through my head.
I am a Christian. I try to love God, though often unsuccessfully. As a man who loves Christ, it comes to my attention that I worship a God-man who was flogged, beaten, and crucified. I am afraid of suffering, though I normally don’t think about it. I assume that life is meant to be carefree and easy. However, if the person I worship was bloodied, betrayed, and humbled, then to look for anything would be a violation of the spirit of God. We live in a sinful world. People don’t like the truth for a number of reasons: it humbles them; it prevents them from gaining power; it forces them to admit how small they are; it makes them realize how bad they really are. This goes for all truth, spiritual as well as scientific. Many Christians will deny the science because it threatens their livelihood. Scientists grasp on to untested and unproved theories and explanations because to admit ignorance or lack of knowledge makes them looks weak and challenges their professional credibility. Anyway, this is the point: truth is a humbling thing and men don’t enjoy being humbled. The fall of man was caused by pride, and we have been fighting a losing battle ever since. People who speak the truth are often threatened and punished by what they testify. So, if my morality hinged on sharing what I believe, then I will surely suffer.
In Proverbs, Solomon says many things about discipline and learning. A great suffering gives you the opportunity to learn something about yourself, the world, and God. I have begun to think of it as a wild forest fire. It blazes and burns everything in the area, leaving nothing unscathed. It is crazy hot. Despite Coast Guard attempts to contain the fire, it continues to consume until sated. It is never the “fault” of the forest, though it does provide carbon based organisms to devour. The great thing about a forest fire is that it is natural; there is no one to blame, usually. It just happens because that’s how the world was made. The fire eats everything, destroying foliage, houses, towns, everything. Once the flames and smoke have cleared though, the world rebuilds itself. Fresh flowers spring from the ashes, and people rebuild. Now I have only walked through one area that has had a forest fire, the Wenatchee area (specifically Leavenworth), and I noticed how everything became more beautiful. It provided the world an opportunity to be better. Maybe that’s why pain and suffering are crucial to our wellbeing.
The last thing I noticed about suffering is that often people bring it on themselves. For example, if I slandered against someone else, I would be punished. Too often, we don’t see our own faults in our suffering. We tend to think we are good people, but maybe that’s where it all goes to shit. We are humans, not gods. If I fail to see the wrong I have committed, then that does not mean that I don’t have to learn to be better. Suffering can bring attention to my sin. Or, if I fail to correct my sin, then my suffering is even more warranted.
People tend to look at suffering as a curse, which it sometimes is. However, even as a curse it is a sort of blessing. I believe that everything can be used for the glory of God, though most hardships are not used as such. Unfortunately, pain causes people to doubt God’s justice. They misunderstand the nature of this world.
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